


I won't say I'm in love

by sarih93



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-03-11
Packaged: 2018-05-20 11:11:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6003685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarih93/pseuds/sarih93
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What do you do when you’re in love with your best friend who has sworn off relationships?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A group of the Red Stars team had planned to go out to a bar to welcome the new girls in and to take advantage of their last chance to have a few drinks before the start of the season. Christen tried to make it but her flight from LA had gotten delayed and by the time she arrived at Chicago all she wanted to do was sleep.

And that’s what she did until her phone started ringing.

“Hello?” Christen mumbles.

“Chris! You’re not here, why aren’t you here? This place is great,” Julie slurs and Christen can barely hear her because of the loud music in the background. Christen sighs and rubs her eyes trying to wake up.

“I told you why Jules, remember?” She says patiently

“Oh,” Julie says and then she stays quiet for so long that it makes Christen think she might have hung up, “then I’m coming over to your place, we need to catch up!”

Christen sits up alarmed. Jules sounds too drunk to even get on a cab by herself.

“Jules why don’t we catch up tomorrow? I’ll swing by your place with coffee.”

“Noo… I wanna see you now.” Christen sighs. The best thing to do would be to bring Julie to her apartment to sleep it off to make sure the other girl doesn’t do anything stupid.

 “Stay there.  I’m coming to get you.” And just like that Christen caves and reluctantly gets off the bed.

When Christen gets to the bar the first familiar face she manages to locate is Sofia, who by the looks of it is the designated driver.

“Christen,” Sofia gives her a hug, “I didn’t think we'd be seeing you today.”

“Jules called me,” Christen explains, “and she wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

Sofia nods knowingly. “She spent all night talking about you.”

Christen looks around to avoid Sofia’s smirk. She’s too tired to deal with what Sofia is trying to suggest. “Where is she?”

“Chris!” Julie yells and before Christen can turn around Julie is already hugging her from behind. Drunk Julie is a little uncoordinated and the two of them almost end up on the floor but Christen manages to catch her balance. “I’m so happy you’re here” Julie mumbles into Christen’s ear.

“Hi Jules, do you want to come back with me?” Christen turns halfway around to ask.

“Okay” Julie agrees easily with a blinding smile.

Christen turns back to Sofia, “are you ok helping the others get home?”

“Yeah its fine, it looks like you have your hands full already.”

Throughout the entire conversation Julie was still holding on to Christen.

"Come on Jules let's go."

“Bye Sof!” Julie waves goodbye while Christen leads her by the hand.

Getting Julie into the car was no trouble at all and in no time they arrived at Christen’s apartment.

Christen helps Julie navigate her way to the bedroom and sits her down on the bed. She helps Julie change out of her clothes. Just after Christen managed to get Julie into her old Stanford t-shirt the younger girl slumped back into the bed and Christen went back to the kitchen to get a glass of water for Julie.

“Your eyes are really pretty and your smile is like… I don’t know something amazing,” Julie rambles while Christen gets ready for bed again.

 “Thanks Jules,” Christen answers and she feels a blush creep into her face, even though she knows Julie is just saying that because she’s drunk. She settles into bed carefully to leave some distance between the two of them.

“You’re the only one who calls me that,” Julie mumbles with her eyes already closed, “I like it.” She blindly reaches for Christen’s hand and holds on to it long after she’s asleep.

When she’s sleeping Julie somehow manages to look even cuter and it makes it hard for Christen to look away from her best friend. But she has to because that’s not the sort of thing best friends are supposed to do. Christen resolutely closes her eyes, hoping that would make her stop thinking about the blonde resting next to her.

* * *

 

The next morning Christen wakes up first as usual, but she decides to stay put for a few minutes and just enjoy the feeling of waking up next to Julie. This wasn’t their first sleepover but it still made Christen’s heart to skip a beat when she sees Julie next to her.

Christen knows Julie is going to need a cup of coffee to help with the hangover she was going to have to suffer through so she gets out of bed and calmly walks into the kitchen.

While she waits for the coffee to brew her thoughts end up back to the girl sleeping in her bed. Somehow Julie is always on her mind.

Kelley, Tobin and Ali are the only people she has shared her feelings about the young central back. But something about the way Becky and Morgan would look at her whenever Julie hugged her made Christen thought they knew something was up.

Christen didn’t need anyone to tell her how complicated it could be to have feelings for someone who not only was her best friend but was also her teammate for both club and country. And to make things worse it wasn’t just any teammate, it was the one who had sworn off love and relationships.

No matter what Kelley, Tobin or Ali tried to tell her about the possibilities of a relationship with someone from the team working Christen knew there would be no happy endings for her. The only thing to do was hope her feelings would go away before they ruin her friendship with JJ.

The beeping of the coffee machine broke her out of her contemplation but it was too late. Just thinking about Julie’s reaction made Christen upset.

In an effort to distract herself Christen decides to make some oatmeal pancakes with a new recipe. She concentrates herself into following the instructions.

“Good morning.” Christen is startled by Julie’s arrival.

“Hi Jules, how are you feeling?” She doesn’t stop mixing the ingredients for the batter.

“Like I should have said no to the fifth shot” Julie answers.

Christen chuckles. “I made coffee for you.”

“Thanks Chris.” Julie pours herself a cup and leans on the kitchen counter just next to Christen. “I’m sorry for last night. I know you were tired and the last thing you could’ve wanted was to go pick me up from a bar.”

Christen shrugs, “you would’ve done the same for me. Now go sit down and I’ll bring you your pancakes.”

From the corner of her eye Christen watches how Julie makes herself at home in the kitchen aisle.

“These look delicious,” Julie says before taking her first bite.

Christen fixes a plate for herself before sitting down on the kitchen aisle across from Julie. Julie must still be tired because she's eating slower than usual.

Christen takes the first bite and promptly spits it out.

"Ugh, that's disgusting. I must have been screwed something up."

Julie shrugs. "I think you put too much salt."

"Then why are you still eating?" Christen asks incredulously.

"I didn't want to be rude."

Christen shakes her head. "Well I'm going to have cereal."

Julie gets up. "Stay there."

Christen watches how Julie rummages through her kitchen grabbing bowls, cereal and milk. From the first time she visited Julie has never seem uncomfortable in her apartment.

"Here we go, breakfast is served," Julie says and slides a bowl of cereal towards Christen.

"Thank you JJ"

"No problem bestie," Julie says through a mouthful of food.

Christen smiles to herself before grabbing her spoon.

"So did you and the girls have fun last night?"

Julie nods vigorously. "Oh yeah, we had a great time. Jen tried to teach Quon how to twerk,” she recounts. “Well Danny left early because she got a call from her boyfriend, I didn't get all the details but it seemed like a big fight."

"Are they ok?"

Julie shrugs. "I don't know. Relationships are too much drama. Especially with how much effort we have to put on soccer. It seems like a waste of time you know?

"Yes, I know," Christen says quietly. She already knows how Julie feels about relationships and definitely doesn’t need a reminder.


	2. Chapter 2

The first training session of the preseason is always pretty light. For the coaching staff it's an opportunity to evaluate how the team can play together. For the players it’s a chance to reacquaint themselves with the sport they love.

Because of the multiple camps with the National Team during the offseason and Christen's training by herself she has kept herself in shape and she breezed through the different exercises.

Once training is over Christen sits down by herself on the pitch and watches her teammates. She's pretty optimistic about the season, the new girls seem to be adjusting quickly and having Alyssa is going to make them more solid defensively.  

Unconsciously she looks for Julie who is talking animatedly with Alyssa. Since the beginning Julie has been the leader of the backline, she always works harder than everybody else and is always looking for ways for them to improve. Julie’s passion about what she does is something Christen greatly admires.

After a while Christen realizes that she too is being watched. It’s Katie Naughton, the rookie center back from Notre Dame. Out of the new girls she’s probably the one Christen has had less interaction with but she seems like a nice girl. Christen smiles at Katie and waves her over, knowing how important it is for the new players to feel welcome.

“Hi Katie,” Christen greets.

“Hi!” Katie answers cheerfully.

“Uh do you want to sit?” Christen says while she uses one hand to block out the sun.

Katie immediately complies.

“How is your first day as a professional athlete?”

Katie beams. “It’s been great! Everyone has been super helpful and nice. Especially Julie.”

Christen smiles and looks back towards Julie.

Katie continues talking, “Julie has been giving me tips and I feel like I can really learn a lot from her, you know?”

“Well she is a great defender.”

“I think the two of you are great,” Katie says bashfully.

“Thank you,” Christen says, touched but also a little confused.

 Katie smiles before rejoining the rest of rookies.

Christen gets up and starts to head to the locker room.

“Hey Chris!

Christen turns around and waits for Julie to catch up to her.

“I saw you were talking with Katie,” Julie says walking sideways so she can look at Christen.

“Yeah, she seems like a good kid. She mentioned you’ve been helping her out.”

“Was that all she said to you?” Julie asks meaningfully.

“Yes?” Christen draws out in confusion of the question and Julie’s almost manic smile.

“She thinks we’re together. Actually a few of the rookies think that apparently. Can you believe it?” Julie chuckles and shakes her head.

Julie finding the idea of the two of them together makes Christen’s heart hurt but she tries to ignore that.

“That’s weird,” she agrees in a small voice.

Julie keeps walking, oblivious to Christen who needs a minute to regain her composure.

Julie’s reaction to the idea of the two of them together stays on Christen’s mind after she goes home. Rationally she knew that it was logical since Julie didn’t have any interest on starting a relationship with her or anyone else but that didn’t make it any less painful.

Desperate for a distraction Christen reaches for her phone and shoots off a text “are you busy?”

Less than five minutes later she has an incoming call through FaceTime that she quickly accepts.

“Sup Pressy?”

Christen rolls her eyes “Hi Kell.”

Kelley grins. “How’s life in Chicago?”

“Good. We had our first training together and we have a good group this year.  How’s life in New Jersey?”

“Uh I wouldn’t know. I’m still in rainy Seattle,” Kelley says with a sly grin.

Christen is glad to see how happy Kelley is. She knows how much being able to spend more time with Hope means to her.

“How do you even know it’s been raining? Have you been outside at all?”

Kelley raises her eyebrows and it makes Christen regret trying to tease her. "Soo...will it be alright to assume you called me to talk about a certain defender?"

Christen sighs but still she recounts everything that has happened since she flew back to Chicago.

“I just need to find a way to get over her,” Christen finishes.

“Oh please! That girl is almost as whipped as Ashlyn, it's so obvious she loves you.”

“There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with them,” Christen reminds Kelley who rolls her eyes in response.

“Yes. For example I love you but I don't stop you from stepping into the pitch until I know you have sunblock on. Who do we know does that?" Kelley strokes her chin while she thinks. "I know!," she says and snaps her fingers, "JJ. Who loves you and is in love with you and maybe in lust with you too because I swear I've seen her checking you out."

Christen opens her mouth to talk but Kelley interrupts her. “The problem here is that you're both too chicken…. actually scratch that, chickens are not afraid of anything, trust me. The problem here is you're both idiots who don't want to admit that you're already in a relationship but without all the fun stuff."

It’s not the first time Kelley has tried to reassure her that her feelings are not unrequited but she has heard Julie say so many times that she doesn’t have time for love that she doesn’t know what to believe in. Christen hears from Kelley's side a door opening and dogs paws sliding against wood floors.

Kelley turns around and yells. "Hi honey I'm FaceTiming with Pressy."

"Tell her I said hi." Christen hears clearly.

"Hope says hi," Kelley repeats.

"I heard.”

“If anything happens with Julie or if you need anything else call me."

"Thanks Kell," Christen says warmly, Kelley has always been a good friend to her.

"No problem, us Stanford kids need to stick together. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go enjoy the fun part of being in a relationship." Kelley winks obnoxiously before ending the call.

Christen is busying herself with rearranging her small living room when she gets a new text. She assumes it's Kelley with another smartass comment, hopefully it won’t have any details about her sex life.

The message is not what she was expecting though. It’s a message from Julie “hey Chris do u want to meet up tomorrow before practice? we can go to that tea place u like so much :) ”

Christens hands hover over her phone before finally typing: No sorry I can't .

Christen drops her phone with a feeling of resignation.

She remembers what Ashlyn told her after she confessed she was falling in love with Julie. Ashlyn told her that even if she didn't confess to Julie things were going to change between them. At the moment she didn't get it but now she does.

Already she can feel her relationship with Julie shifting, her need to keep her heart safe is making her push away her best friend.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so short but it was necessary.

Things just keep getting worse between Julie and Christen. Christen tries. She tries so hard to act normal but every time Julie hugs her she can’t help the way she flinches away. More than once she has invited someone to accompany them when Julie invites her somewhere

Julie might be one of the happiest persons on the planet but she’s definitely not stupid and Christen knows her actions have not gone unnoticed by the defender.

And she's not the only one who has noticed. Sofia and Danielle are always observing them when Julie approaches her. Alyssa knows, or at least it seems that way but she's also keeping her distance and for that Christen is grateful. She doesn't want to talk about her feelings anymore; she just wants to be done with them.

-

It's not only the connection between Julie and Christen that isn't working. The entire team seems to have forgotten how to play together. Christen could hear Julie and Alyssa yelling, trying to get the back line in shape. Christen is tired of running after poorly executed passes and she just wants to go home and relax with a book.

"Chris can we talk?" There's worry in Julie's eyes.

"Not right now, I'm really tired."

Julie narrows her eyes and sighs in frustration.

Christen feels bad but she really is too tired to talk with Julie. All this months of pretending are catching up to her.

Before she can say anything else Sofia calls out Julie's name and Christen takes the opportunity to leave.

-

Christen puts on a record and starts to make dinner before relaxing on her couch with a book. In moments like these she feels more acutely the absence of her dogs, back in California.

The timer on the oven goes off and just when she's getting up there's a knock on her door. Christen frowns; it’s unusual for someone to come over unannounced.

Christen looks through the peephole and sighs. She should’ve known this was going to happen.

“What are you doing here Julie? I told you I didn’t want to talk tonight.”

“I didn’t know what else to do! You’ve been acting differently lately and you’ve been avoiding me. What happened? Is it something I did?” Julie loses steam until she just drops down on the couch, right next to the book Christen had been reading.

Christen sits on the couch, as far away from Julie as it's physically possible. "I'm not mad at you."

"Then tell me what’s wrong? I just want to help."

Julie sounds so sincere it's heartbreaking.

"You can't help. I just need to get through this by myself," Christen says with her eyes fixed on the coffee table in front of her.

“And I’m just supposed to sit back while my best friend ignores me? Because I don’t think I can do that.”

Christen roughly rubs her eyes with her hands. “I don’t know what else to tell you.”

“The truth!” Julie explodes. Christen is startled and she turns towards Julie unconsciously. She has never seen Julie so mad and it might be the first time Julie has been actually mad at her. “Whatever it is, just tell me!” She implores.

Christen can feel tears welling up on her eyes. “I’m in love with you,” she finally admits in a whisper.

“What?” Julie asks but by her look of surprise Christen knows she heard it.

“I’m in love with you,” Christen repeats louder. “I don’t want to and I know you don’t want to be with anyone right now but I’m in love with you,” she says with a helpless shrug.

“I just, I had no idea,” Julie stutters and now she’s the one incapable of holding eye contact.

“This doesn’t have to change anything,” Christen adds desperately even though she knows this is bound to change them.

Julie exhales loudly and runs her fingers through her hair. “I don’t know what to do about this,” she admits.  “Maybe I should go.”

Julie gets up and walks towards the door.

“Jules,” Christen calls out to her even if she doesn’t know what else to say.

Julie pauses with her hand on the doorknob and turns around. There are tears in her eyes. “I just need some time to think,” she says before quickly leaving.  

Christen just stands there in shock. This was almost exactly the worst outcome she had conjured up on her mind. She doesn't know how their friendship can recover from this.  


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my longest fic so far!

Things are even more awkward now during practices because not only is Christen avoiding Julie but now Julie basically won't talk to anyone unless she absolutely has to.

This means that Christen spends a lot of time staring at Julie, who doesn’t seem to notice because she keeps her head down during breaks.

When Christen isn’t at practice she’s on the phone with Kelley. Kell always tries to cheer her up and even offers to fly in from New Jersey on her next weekend off but Christen tells her to don't bother. She needs to fix this fast by herself. The problem is that she doesn't know how to do that.

The first step it’s obvious enough. She has to talk to Julie. She plans to do that after practice so she lingers around, waiting for the defender to come out of the locker room.

Christen is so busy rehearsing what she’s going to say to Julie that she doesn’t hear the footsteps approaching her.

“She’ll talk to you when she’s ready.” Christen turns around startled but Alyssa isn’t done talking. “I don’t know what happened between you two but she can’t be away from you forever. It’s just has to be on her time you know?”

It’s not like Alyssa to get involved in any type of team drama so Christen really listens to what she says.

“I know.”

“Everything is going to be ok,” Alyssa says with a small smile and she squeezes Christen’s shoulder before leaving.

Christen takes Alyssa’s advice and decides to let Julie come to her when she's ready. It’s not an easy decision because it makes her like her life is out of her control and she hates it.

In the next few days Christen does her best to keep herself busy. She cleans the apartment, twice. She does a lot of writing and meditating.

Christen is Skyping home, mainly so that she can see Morena and Khaleesi, when her phone starts ringing.  The called id says Jules and Alyssa must be a psychic. Christen ends the video call in a rush and she takes a deep breath to calm herself before she picks up her phone.

“Hi Chris,” Julie says softly.

“Hey,” Christen responds tentatively.

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for walking out on you like that. I’m sorry I was so oblivious to the way you were feeling.”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Christen reassures her. “I didn't want you to know."

"I still should've reacted better."

Christen doesn't insist because she knows Julie is too stubborn and she won't change her mind.

“I'm honored that you feel that way about me… fuck that's not what I meant I just..." Julie trails off.  “You mean so much to me, I don’t think I’ve ever told you just how much you mean to me and I don’t want to let you down.”

“Just because you don’t feel the same way it doesn’t mean you’re letting me down,” Christen points out.

“I have such a bad track record of relationships and I just don't see how I can balance a relationship with you on top of everything else.”

That doesn’t sound like a rejection and Christen has to try and quell the hope making her heart beat faster.

“It's not like I've had any luck with relationships either."  It’s true. There have been a few girls since college, including a Swedish chef that at least taught her a few recipes before cheating on her. "But it only needs to work once." Christen backtracks a little because she doesn't want to give herself away completely. "And even if it doesn't work I think it'll be worth it."

Julie is so quiet that it makes Christen think she hung up. "Um I still feel really bad about what happened last time and I didn't want to ambush you again so I'm outside"

“You're here?” Christen asks dumbly, staring at the door.

"Yeah, do you think you could open the door for me?"

Christen walks to the door with her phone still in her hand.

Julie is standing there, like a puppy that got yelled at, with tear tracks on her cheeks but there’s a small smile itching to grow.

"I'd like to try." It’s the first thing Julie says.

"Yeah?" Christen has to make sure this is what Julie wants.

"Yes but we need to take it slow."

"Ok," Christen nods and really she would agree to anything at this point.

"We need rules."

"Rules?"

"Like a system. How we’re going to act when we are with the team, pet names,” Julie counts off with her fingers and it’s so endearing how obvious it is that she has put a lot of thought into this.

“How often we talk on the phone,” Christen adds teasingly.

“Are you making fun of me?” Julie acts offended.

Christen laughs. “I’m not used to you being the one that freaks out.”

“New rule: you can’t make fun of me.”

Julie tries to look mad but she’s still smiling and Christen can definitely relate because she doesn’t think she’s _ever_ going to stop smiling.

Acting purely on instinct Christen leans forward and kisses Julie square on the mouth. She thinks she can get addicted to the taste of Julie’s smile.

Julie licks her lips. “Ok, different rule: you can only make fun of me if you kiss me after.”

Christen chuckles.

“So are you going to invite me in or are we just going to stand on your doorway forever?”

Christen simply smiles and grabs Julie by the wrist to guide her in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the ending is kind of shitty but it'll do


End file.
